the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
