I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
