Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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