textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
