Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
