He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
