The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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