i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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