yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
