There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
