I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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