Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
i would one night stand the shit outta him
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
