I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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