god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
