My friends, they love my intelligence
i think my tv is drunk
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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