She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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