Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
