We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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