Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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