So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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