I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
