so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Randomize
