put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
