I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
