we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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