Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
