The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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