I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize