So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
