I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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