You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
