I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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