she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
