I accidentally had phone sex last night
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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