I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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