Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
