evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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