I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize