Only a mothe r could love this liver
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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