I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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