I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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