My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Randomize
