I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize