I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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