Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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