Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
