Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
My liver just had a heart attack.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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