So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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