I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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