He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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