My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
