Is it normal to miss your booty call?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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