my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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