When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
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