Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
are you so shy because you have an std?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Randomize
