my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
