just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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