I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
