Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
