20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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